Northerner in New England

For once, the name of this blog is not so accurate -- home for the holidays! I'm packing up all the things I brought home: books to plan my next unit, tests to grade, homework to track, and clothes that needed to be fixed. I'm also packing up the Mommy care package of cough drops and related medications. All I can say is that there is nothing that compares to being taken care of by an empty-nester parent when sick.

Although it's a few days late, it's the requisite "what I'm thankful for" entry. In this first year out of college and in a sense, "on my own", I have dozens of reasons to be thankful.

This year, I am thankful for

• my roommates, who put up with my stress induced sloppiness and tendency to overshare random mundane details. Also, for indulging me in teacher talk, even when we're all first year teachers and spend all day with the small children. 
• My unofficial TFA mentors -- Ms. C and Ms. S. Their help and support throughout the process and since I've started teaching have helped to keep my focus realistic and productive
• my co-workers, who have been supportive of the emotional challenges of being a first year teacher
• in particular, my TFA co-workers, who understand the challenges and successes I feel every day at school and the balancing act of work and TFA
• my TFA region -- while I'm sure that there are strengths and challenges in each region, I keep feeling like there's a reason I ended up in Nashville, even if it appeared random and even if I choose not to stay here. 
• my students, for making me smile when they
• fart so loudly and profusely that even I can't help but laugh
• are shocked that I'm introducing something new -- "But Ms. Astronaut, we didn't learn that in 3rd grade!"
• ask if they have to complete the homework
• ask for help on a test. When I ask with what, they ask for the answer. 
• leave love notes for me on their work
• look panicked when they hear that I'm going out of town, even if it's  only for the Thanksgiving holiday

And finally, my amazing and wonderful family. For my brother, who came and helped in my classroom. For my father, for saying all the wildly inappropriate things I wish I could even let myself think. For my mother, who has been a constant source of well everything since graduation. I've been so incredibly fortunate to have a family that's worked in education and understands what I've been going through to some extent.

With that, I'm off to back to return to the South. Only a few weeks until I'm back here.

I feel like a zombie come back to life

As a sidenote: I'm sitting in a coffeeshop as a cute, male college senior talks with someone about his application to Teach for America. To the powers who make these decisions, please take more male teachers in this program. I can't even tell you how many of my students would benefit from more positive male role models in their lives. The Nashville corps is small enough that the ratio, not so different from the national one, feels very X chromosome heavy

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

I took a sick day on Friday. Initially, I had thought it would be a mental health day but as the week progressed, it turned into an actual health day. I know my principal assumed it was a mental health day, but I actually went to the MNPS clinic and had doctor's orders to sleep, hydrate, and eat whatever I wanted. While stress does affect my body, I know how to read the signs pretty well and since a scare sophomore year, I've gotten really good at acknowledging when my body needs a break. Having a day solely devoted to doing nothing was exactly what my body needed. My headache disappeared (maybe with the help of lots of advil), nothing was blurry all day, and didn't feel the urge to heave more than once or twice.

But I felt so guilty being away from my kids. I missed them all. Even the one who talks when she thinks I'm not looking and then denies it. Even the one who has had a hissy fit almost every day for the last 4 weeks and no one can figure out why. Even the one who comments on my clothes and makes me rethink my outfit almost every day. All of them.  I hope that they would show the substitute that they were a well-behaved class, that they are smart and can talk candidly about what we're learning to catch her up to speed. While I'll get the full report tomorrow, my notes from coworkers indicated that it was not so good. Maybe they'll appreciate me more when I get back? Maybe?

Step 1. Breathe in. Step 2 Breathe out

I've always been one to talk much more than necessary and if I try to use figurative language to describe something in real life, it's a fail. But I've got a really simple one, so here goes. On my way to work on Friday, my gas tank light went on saying that I was approaching empty. Much like my gas tank was drained, so was I.

This past week I had my first round of parent teacher conferences. I really like talking with the parents, and I know I have established different relationships with all of them. Some are more well-established than others and others have been a challenge to communicate. I only had one interaction that I could describe as unpleasant and, while unfortunate, I can only think that if I let it bother me the person that will be most affected is the student. That sounds pretty mature but trust me, it took me a while to actually come to that conclusion and feel sincere about it.

My big personal goal this week has been to get myself organized. Shout out to the 09er (and my School Operations Manager at Institute!) who gave me some really great ideas for how to get myself more organized. My grade level chair might actually steal one of the ideas I used! I've found, however, that to be better organized sometimes you have to be more disorganized first. I'm about there right now-- like many things, not where I'd like to be but I have a goal of where I'd like to go.

One of the biggest challenges to my organization has been the number of kids coming in and out of my class throughout the year. To recap

Beginning of the year: 26
Week 1: One student moved to Exceptional Ed (-1)
Week 3: Student moves out of district (-1)
Week 4: Students move to newly created classroom (-7)
Week 4: ELL student moved into my room (+1)
Week 6: New student arrives (+1), another student leaves (-1)
Week 7: New student arrives (+1)
Week 8: New student arrives (+1)
Week 9: Student exchanged with teacher next door (-/+ 1)
Week 9: Student moved to another classroom at parent's request (-1)
Week 10: New students arrive Monday and Friday (+2)
Week 11: New student arrives Wednesday (+1)

and we're going on Week 12 this week. That's part of what being at the school with the highest in/out rate in the district looks like.

That means over the course of the first part of the year, I've had 34 students in my classroom at various points. Being at a school that's given extra money to have small class sizes, about 23 max, that's a lot of turnover. That's also changes in students every week for the last 7 weeks. I'm really struggling to maintain a classroom culture when each child contributes in such different ways. Some of my new students are really great and I am incredibly encouraged to see how well they are doing after being dropped in a new school in the middle of the year. I do worry about how well some of them are adjusting.

While many of these kids have left the school, I still feel a special attachment to the ones that were in my room for any period of time. We had our recognition ceremony this week for report cards, and two of my kids that were in the newly created classroom received the highest award for behavior that we offer -- I was so proud of them, I even told some other teachers "those were my kids".

In all honesty, all the kids in my grade level are my kids. There's been so much turnover and confusion that all of us teachers rely on each other for support. I have kids that respond well to the male teacher. Others fear being sent to the room of another teacher. On top of the children's retention rate, the newly created class has had teacher retention issues which means I also feel invested in the kids in that classroom.

So that empty tank of gas? Much to the chagrin of my bank account, it's full. My feeling drained? Working on it, slowly and surely.

Help my classroom!!

I just submitted my first donorschoose.org project. Want to know what I'm striving to get for my classroom?

http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=463698

It's Quitting Time

No, not me. I'm still here. But the return from Fall Break has been rough for everyone. It was like a respite from work reminded people of how much they give up to work as a teacher and the realization has set in a discouraged feeling. No one has ever quit the Nashville corps, but if you talked with any first year corps member they will probably tell you that they've thought about it, some more seriously than others. Coming back to starting a new graduate class that actually is trying to get us to do a teaching practicum on top of our regular job didn't make that feeling any better. Now, it's only half an hour a week, but the logistics is perhaps what made people most frustrated. I've only quit a few things in my life and let me tell you, it has not been accomplished without serious guilt and second thoughts.

Now, in contrast, I came back from a great back catching up with friends from back in college. While I know that teaching made for a difficult first year out of school, I realized how many of the things I'm feeling and going through are not unique to my job. Many of my friends feel overworked, exhausted, and are not entirely pleased with their jobs. I'd often wondered if I'd been part of the St. Louis corps if I would have been happier because I have so many friends in the city, but I realized I probably would have hung out in the same places and just felt guilty for not seeing my friends as much as I wanted to. One of the girls that I interviewed with about a year ago who was placed in St. Louis has already quit the corps there which was hard to hear.

When I came back, my uncle was in town. Now, now he and I had had dinner during week 1 of my teaching and this was week 10, beginning of the second quarter. We talked about a lot of things, including how teaching was going, and he said that he could tell from how I was talking about things that I sounded more confident. And I realized, I do feel better about teaching. I'm still struggling in a lot of ways, but since the beginning of the year I've figured a lot of things out. Do I still wish some things would change that I have no control over? Yes. Of course. Do I realize that some of the people I thought would be helpful aren't the best channel for advice? Yes. For sure. Is my data showing the kind of results I was hoping it would? No, not exactly.

They say that teachers hit a low in October, but then it begins to go back up. While I know that many of my friends here are struggling (despite being in one of the best ranked regions holla), I'm starting to feel like maybe that turnaround is starting. Did I put in an insane amount of work this week? Yes. I've taken to underestimating how much work I do for our Americorps hours out of habit as if no one would believe me that I put in 16, 17 hour days on a regular basis. But even though I'm exhausted, there's this new kind of energy that's pushing me through some of the work that I'm doing. Who knows how long it's sustainable, but I'm going to ride it however far it takes me.

So about the title to the entry? I'm quitting thinking about quitting. I'm quitting thinking about all the other things I could have been doing. I'm quitting thinking about all the things I wish were different that I have no control over. And finally, it's something I don't feel guilty about quitting.

Fall Break -- a godsend for my mental health sake

Fall Break began on Friday for the kids, but with the professional development I've been to, today was really the first day. Sleeping in was glorious and I felt ready to tackle some of the projects I've been meaning to get to. Some of these projects are a result of the professional development I've had in the last week and really had the chance to process some of the things that have been going on. I keep seeing this break as the opportunity to restart and jump start some of the things I haven't done as well as I've wanted to thus far.

I've finally taken some more pictures of my classroom to get ready for making my first donorschoose.org grant. My biggest goal moving forward, aside from the whole closing the achievement gap thing, is to get my kids excited about reading. I've spent the week trying to put together my literacy centers so that I can start guided reading.

My kids read at all different levels. Using Reading A to Z, my kids range from E to Q. What does that really mean? I have some kids that haven't quite reached first grade level and others that are practically on grade level. I love that my class includes the ELL kids on the grade level because they are so enthusiastic for the most part about learning, they just don't have the support at home. Sadly, several of my ELL kids are Nashville born and bred and 10 years later, they really don't have fully functioning knowledge in English and their working knowledge in the own language doesn't seem as though it's fully developed.

I have several stories I haven't had the chance to type up and that's my goal for break. Well, what's left of my working break. I'm giving myself an actual vacation and going back to college for a few days. I cannot wait. Many of my friends stayed around after graduation, I have a good number of friends still in undergrad, and one of my best friends will be in town from Chicago!!!

There are many times so far where I've thought that I had it better than I thought in college and I've had dreams where I'm back in school. I think going back will be odd, but at the same time, it will help me see how far I've come since graduation (aside from the scale that's told me I've lost 20 pounds since graduation)

Getting an Ejuckashon

Even though I hope my kids are learning from me, I'm amazed at the number of things that I learn from them on a daily basis. Things as mundane as their favorite colors, songs, and dances, to the truly saddening such as an already jaded perspective on life and how things are. Should nine and ten years olds really know about that? Whatever happened to the idea of childhood?

Despite the overwhelming waves of sadness I feel at some of my students offhand comments, I find myself alternating between laughing out loud and crying on the inside while I go over mounds and mounds of papers that need to be graded.

Some highlights from the different things I have to grade this weekend:

From the Language Arts section of our Friday quiz

--Directions: Write two sentences that are fact, two sentences that are opinion.
Response (from one of my girls who got really upset that her teacher crush, Mr. J, shared the same name as the example in a previous question which asked fact/opinion "Mr. Jones has two sons and one daughter")
Mr. J don't have children. You can't prove that Mr. J has children. Mr. J is a teacher. Is he cute or not.

From an assignment on writing declarative, interrogative, imperative, and exclamatory sentences
--Is moisturizing a good thing? (from a quiet boy)
--Shut your mouth
-- W.keeps messing with me. W is in trouble for messing with me now.

From the district writing test
-Directions: You wake up as an adult. Write about what you do

Responses
-- have a child by the age of 25
--get a GED and spend 8 years in college
-- get an ejuckashon
-- have children and then get married
-- play for the Lakers. play for the Heat. Play for the Lakers
--buy a manshun
--Go get some Jordans